No, Mr. UPS Delivery Person, I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband home to help you carry the mattress I ordered online. Nor do I have any children with which we can pawn off the difficult undertaking. If I did have children they would probably do it for the simple price of a candy bar or a good limerick. But, alas, we are out of luck. 

Thanks for asking, though. It makes me feel really positive about pretty much everything from my relationship status (single), gender stereotypes (**Sigh**), to my physical fortitude (I get it. Really, I do. I flex in the mirror on occasion and by flex, I mean I bend my arm to see if anything happens). Mr. UPS Delivery Person, you are stuck with me and these arms that struggle to open a bag of broccoli*. And, you’re stuck watching this confused face, which is a response to your aforementioned question. So please pardon me while I chew on my lower lip, tilt my head to the side and stare just directly beyond your left ear. A moment to beg my inside world to be really nice.

Jump ahead seven seconds— Ok, so I just did the math for this situation: I ordered the 60 lb. mattress to be delivered so I could move beyond being a squatter in my own apartment. Then, I divided that by your job description and I get zero percent being my problem. But here We are, together.

“We’ve gotta problem,” you stated impatiently when I first open the door, mind you, after you rang the door bell three times in exactly one nano second. Thank you, I often need remainders to continue walking toward the source of the sound, lest I get distracted by all the fun on the way. So, here we are at the door, where you exercised some sort of power to avoid Buddy’s adorableness when he lumbered up to you. This is basically illegal. But, we just got off on the wrong foot initially. That’s okay! We’ve simply established we’ve got a problem from the get-go. You also shared that my mattress has been baking in your truck the last two days because no one could help you carry it up the stairs. I’ve asked my aching hip joints to ignore that and instead relish in the freedom of floor sleeping. So spacious!

Then I thought about it more. I just needed two more seconds to help problem solve this delivery situation with the delivery person. I thought, ‘This is good! Honesty from the initial meeting! I Like It.’  We don’t have to get caught up in awkward pleasantries and waste each other’s time. How refreshing might it be if starting from the moment we open the door we simply share our issues, hangups and problems and our hopes right from the beginning. Then we could decide if we want to problem solve together, or just shut the door and figure out a different way to get what we need.

Well, I needed that mattress. So, out the door with Mr. UPS Delivery Person I went, ready to tackle the box with my new trustworthy pal and my surprisingly fantastic attitude. At the bottom of building’s stairs I cracked my knuckles and limbered up while he hopped up into the back of his truck. That’s when I hear, “Oh. It’s not really that heavy. I’ll just carry it.”

What? I cocked my head to the side, bit my lower lip and followed Mr. UPS Delivery Person up the stairs watching him carry the mattress with one arm. And so I said, “At least it’s nice and warm from being in your truck for the past two days!” We said our goodbyes and I picked up the mattress and carried into my bedroom.

*Broccoli has been substituted for licorice. My mother might be reading.